Sigh, I'm really stuck with my life. i don't know how to feel anymore. i don't know what to expect, or what to do. i'm tired to the point of absolute exhaustion of pretending to be happy all the time. i hate lying. i hate trying and pretending. its so hard to stay happy, i mean when i am, i am, and i really am happy... like too the point where i do stupid things... like a maniac almost. I drink, do drugs. i would do just about anything to keep my happiness. I love to drink. i love feeling the warm fuzzy filling me up. i love to do e and im scared about doing glass(meth) again. i promised myself that when i moved, and after that it'd all be different. that it'd all be okay and happy and good once again. but hey look at me, -removed a sentence...rather personall- whatever. its just when im happy that stuff like this happens... but then i crash... i guess thats what i call it and then im all depressed. and it not even big things to get me upset, its the fact that there was a blade of grass out of place on the pathway or sidewalk or that the orange juice wasnt pulpy enough. stupid and little things that just destroy me. i really cant handle the mood swings anymore. they hurt they excite the make me angry and happy then sad and aggressive the next minute. im tired of going from feeling lie im on top of the world to feeling like i should go and kill myself... i mean all it would take is a slice on a few important arteries.. not all that hard to find. but then i give up and retire into sleeping, or awake sleep. where im there but im not like some weird adhd... my lists are not helping anymore. i write them, they write me? i dont know.... i make lists of things to do and then it kills when i dont finish them im very ocd about my lists they run me. aand i cant stop them.... i figure id go insane without them, i mean what do people do without lists? how do they even know what to do? i wouldnt.

but im in need of help... something, anything... just to get me through the day.
im tired. right now.. i havent slept in about 8 days.. well i had about 5 to 6 hours at best... i keep log of this now, just like lists tell me to and i dont really eat much anymore either, though right now, i'd kill for food.... i just dont feel like doing anything anymore. im tired of feeling like its hopeless, but the fact is, it probably is... i dont want to give in, im better than that. but i feel i am going to. and i dont want to be happy that because tomorrow comes... it'll be one less day to live. one less day to push through... thats not the way things should be.
~~take caree


Like always, take a peek at my gallery,
For easy reference, my story, *IN EDITING CHAPTER 3 and 4*, read and comment if you have the time.

In Finding, 1ne: Begin.


In Finding, 2wo: Feel.

That's it for now I guess, ttyl.

Ciaoo~~


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